Family Language

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Today's blog post is one of the ideas that didn't make the book. Each family has its own culture and language. A shorthand that unites the family and confuses outsiders.

For example, when the UNLV campus had an active shooter on campus, the entire University went into lockdown. Thank God Lilly didn't have classes that day. But my husband was at work. I texted him, "Serpentine Shel, serpentine."

Anyone reading that text would wonder what I was trying to tell my husband in the middle of a crisis. It is a line from a movie: The In-Laws, starring Peter Falk. With his life in peril, one of the characters does something stupid as bullets fly over his head. In those three words, I was telling my husband to be safe and that I loved him.

Couch or davenport. Entry or porch? Glove compartment or glove box. The pre-cut spaces to tear a piece of paper in our house are called "ditty ditties". As in, "Don't rip it, tear on the ditty ditties."

In our family, each person was known for their sayings, to the point that we knew what the next person would say about a situation. I wanted to add some expressions that paint a picture of our language and culture to the book, but there really wasn't any way to fit them all in. So, I did an addendum, but that didn't fit either. That is how they ended up here today.

Words of Wisdom

Dad, on finding the perfect husband.  In retrospect, it took me the second time around to listen to his wisdom. 

 “You won’t find a thoroughbred in a cow pasture.”  This was apparently a reference to the places I used to frequent in my youth.  He had a good point. On our first date, John and I toured bookstores in Houston.

“You gotta try to improve the breed.”  He told me this one after meeting one of my cousin’s boyfriends.

“He’s a real sleeping Jesus.” Meaning he was so boring the Good Lord Himself would be bored to sleep. 

“He ain’t smart enough to talk that big,” Dad told me that one after spending time with one of my suitors, who tried to impress Dad with his knowledge of all things.  Dad was not impressed.

“He might not be much in the looks department, but he’s got a good heart, and that’s what matters,” Dad suggested that I consider dating someone with only a few broken teeth, clothes so tattered and dirty that they shone, and a body that hadn't seen a bath in years.  I hope he was joking.

“Watch how he treats his mother, then you will know how he is gonna treat you.”  Dad thought the world of Greg and was always impressed by how kind and caring Greg was with his mother.

“If that’s what the army takes, might as well hand the country over to the Russians now.”   When I briefly considered dating a man in the National Guard.

“The Lord has touched that boy; you don’t want no part of that.”  Dad didn’t mean that the man had a calling to the ministry.  Touched by the Lord was Dad’s terminology for someone he thought “wasn’t quite all there” or “goofy”. 

Dad only approved of two of the men I dated.  Russ was a farm boy with a college degree.  His family raised purebred Holsteins. Dad’s eyes lit up each time they talked about cattle. Russ was polite, kind, and lived only two counties over, making him Dad’s ideal suitor for his daughter.

Greg was the other approved date.  Greg spent time with his mother helping her on her hobby farm.  He also helped me unload hay racks and grain, helped Mom plant her flowers, and made himself useful around the farm. When I went back to college, Dad would have Mom call Greg to come out to “help” on the farm or to visit.   

Dad, on self-esteem:

“Be good.”  These were Dad’s goodbye words whenever I left.  I was never sure what he meant, be good as in behave myself?  Be good at my job?  Be good to others?  So, I spent my life trying to “be good”.  It took years for me to finally figure out it was his way of saying, “Be well, be safe, take care of yourself.”

“You ain’t any better than anybody else, you just got lucky.”  This was Dad’s remark when I got A grades on my report card or won any award.  If I were on the Dean’s list, he either said this or “It's not like you have to work for it.”  Dad was determined that none of his kids would have a “big head.”

Dad, on life:

“This too shall pass.”   Donna picked this one up, and since Dad is gone now, she uses it when my life is not going well.  I remind my staff and myself when we are in the middle of chaos.  “This too will pass,” I say, then I add, “It may pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass.”  Simple words Dad used to tell me to remind me that life is a journey, not a destination.  If you find yourself in the middle of a storm, take a deep breath and walk through because this too will pass.  You will get through and reach the other side.

“When your number is up, your number is up.”  Both Mom and Dad used this saying.  They believed that God gave each person a purpose in life.  Once you have achieved that purpose, then the good Lord calls you home.  It always makes me think of the story of the three fates in Greek mythology.  One spins the thread of life, another measures it out, and the third cuts it.  Life is measured by its natural purpose for the time intended since our conception; we are all given the correct portion of life.  Mom and Dad knew nothing of Greek mythology; they believed that God was in control of your destiny and your length of life, it was predestined to be.

“Why did you ask the question if you already know you ain’t gonna like the answer?”  Dad liked to ask me this whenever he said “no” to me, and I pouted. As an adult reflecting on it, the saying took on a Zen-like meaning to me.  Zen belief holds that unhappiness stems from our clinging to our wants and our attempts to push away the unwanted.  But life means both ups and downs, so I can’t always cling to what I want and push away the uncomfortable or undesirable.  Why desire something impossible at the moment?  Why make yourself miserable unnecessarily if you already know that right now, the answer is no. Reflecting on six decades, I can honestly say there were many moments when I didn’t get what I wanted.  But now I can look back and realize that, in the end, I ended up with everything I could have ever wanted and more.  

“Seems to me like there are a lot of roads to Heaven, doesn’t matter much how you get there, as long as you get there.”   Dad would tell me this or some variation of this whenever I asked why he always spent so much time with missionaries or Witnesses.  Dad didn’t always believe in the road they may have chosen, but he would not judge their path.  To Dad, someone who lived their faith was godlier than someone who went to church weekly but treated others poorly. 

Mom, on work:

“All you can do is your best; nobody can ask for more than that.”  Mom used this one to ease my anxieties about school tests, college examinations, and work.  It set me up on a loop of self-feedback.  If I am anxious, then did I do my best? If I did my best, I don’t need to worry.  If I didn’t do my best, it's my fault; I didn’t try hard enough. Accept the consequences and quit being anxious. 

“Don’t shit where you eat.”  Mom’s work ethic was world-class. She didn’t want her children to take employment, especially a good job, for granted.  It also means if you need the money, don’t bitch about the job that’s paying for your food.  Mom was blunt.

“All you can do is try, that’s all a steer can do.”  Farm kids will understand this one.  A steer may think he’s a bull, try to be a bull, but won’t accomplish the task.  But you must give him credit, at least he tried.  Every time I thought about trying something new or challenging and told Mom that I wasn’t sure I could do it, or was smart enough to try, I would have to be compared to the steer.  If a dumb steer would try, I could at least take a chance.  Mom was proud of all my accomplishments, so I am sure I outpaced that fictional steer.

“Use your brain, not your back.”  One of the many “Mom-isms” she used to push her daughters into college.  It also came in handy for her when I dragged my feet and made a small task into an impossible accomplishment by deliberate incompetence. 

“The smarter you are, the less you have to work.” 

“The only thing nobody can take away from you is your education.” 

“If you don’t want to work this hard, you'd better go to school.”

Mom had many sayings that reflected an education as a goal.  Did she recognize that her youngest child might have had a lot of get-up and quit unless she nagged constantly?  I was her feral farm child, but Mom knew long before I realized that the farm would never be my destiny. I joke that between the two of us, Donna and I, we have enough diplomas and certificates to wallpaper an outhouse.  My only regret is that I didn't have enough time to thank Mom for the kick in the butt.  I would like to formally thank my mother for this executive chair ass, as I would never have achieved it without her assistance. 

Mom, on men and marriage:

“Don’t marry for money, you will end up working harder than any job.”  I don’t know where Mom came up with that one, since she indeed never married for money.  I think this might be something she picked up on an episode of The Young and the Restless.  I don’t know anybody in Mom’s circle of friends who married for money.  Maybe before Mom was married, she worked for an unhappy rich woman?  Not much of a risk here, Mom. Where was I going to find a rich man in East Ottertail County? My mom’s parents had a turbulent and traumatic marriage, so she could have been warning me not to settle for anything less than caring and compassion.  I always took it to mean that money is not the measure of a man.

“Don’t ever live with your in-laws, you can’t have two cooks in one kitchen.”   When she told me that, as a child, I pictured two women bumping into each other in the kitchen.  Of course, you can’t have two cooks; they would get in each other’s way!  Now I realize it means more than cooking and kitchens. It means having your own home, your own security, and your own haven.  I love Lilly’s grandparents, but we live two distinctly different lives; cooking would be the least of our arguments if we lived together.

“Men don’t like women who are smarter than they are-you have to make them believe it was their idea”.  This one made me so angry as a teenager and young adult.  Misogynist and insulting!  But Mom came from a different generation and time, and the roles of a woman had been cast in stone long before her.  When I married John, I got a tattoo of Pinky and the Brain, and the French words underneath say, “We love forever.” Because in any relationship, there are moments when one spouse is The Brain and the other is Pinky.  When one of us does something that we realize was stupid, we say “narf”. 

“Only an idiot has a baby to save a marriage.”   Mom had no patience for women who got pregnant to trap a man into marriage.  Whether it happened in The Young and the Restless or in real life, Mom was disgusted.  I explained the backstory in the book.  Even worse, as a child of divorce herself, Mom thought having a baby to keep a marriage together was one of the stupidest things a woman could do.

Mom, on life:

 “Nothing worth having comes easy.”  This one made perfect sense.  An achievement is always sweeter when you put in the effort to succeed.  I can only imagine how Mom would have reacted to the idea of participation trophies.

“Shit in one hand, wish in the other, see which one fills up faster.”  Mom’s little way of saying, “Don’t just sit there whining and wishing, do something about it.”  After a while, I learned to cut her off, “I know, shit in one hand,” when I wished for something. 

“If frogs had wings, they wouldn’t hit their ass when they hop.”  I still don’t know what this one meant.  I am guessing it's about wishing for something impossible and hoping for something that will never happen. Looked at another way, it could be recognizing your own limitations and accepting what you have in life.

“Nobody ever said life was gonna be fair.” I didn’t realize how deeply this saying was embedded in my mind until my daughter said one day, “I know, nobody ever said life was gonna be fair.” Apparently, I adopted this phrase and used it often enough to pass it on. It cuts through the whining and complaining about something that isn’t fair, right, or equal. Recognizing that people won’t always be fair to you helps release the frustration and anger and allows you to “get over it.” (another Mom-ism)

“Don’t sit around feeling sorry for yourself, that ain’t gonna get you anywhere.”  Mom abhorred self-pity.  Feeling sorry for yourself was a mortal sin in her eyes, unforgivable. Mom’s life had been hard, with no time for self-pity, and she didn’t allow any in her children.  Now Mom would bitch about anything at any time, but in her eyes, “bitchin” was different than self-pity.  It was an invisible line in my eyes. Semantics.    

“If you are bitching you are breathing.”  This response was given to any complaint about physical injury or illness.  This one has come back to me through my daughter, and I continue to hear it to this day. Sometimes I tease her about channeling her grandmother.  “Turn off the Grandma Pearl button now, you have to be nice to people at work.” 

“Don’t complain with your mouth full.”  Mom never said this to me.  This was her way of defending me when one of my baking attempts or meals failed miserably. Tubby or Dad would point out overcooked pasta or a cake with a valley in the middle, and Mom would jump to my defense.  She enjoyed the break from cooking and baking and refused to let my critics dissuade her from my efforts.

“You make your bed; you have to lie in it.  Usually used when someone makes a poor decision and then complains about the consequences. This comment covered a wide range of poor choices, from drunk driving arrests to poor marriage choices.  If you made the choice, then you must accept the consequences; no self-pity was allowed. This Mom-ism can be dangerous; everyone makes poor decisions at some point.  I was taught that I had to accept the consequences and stay with my choice. Sometimes, making the best of a bad situation and blaming yourself can kill the soul.   

Tubby:

“First thing you do is find two ugly friends, then you are the good-looking one.”

“Any landing you can walk away from is a good landing.” 

“If trips around the world were a nickel, all I could do is yell, ‘ain’t that cheap?’” 

 “We were born too poor to pay attention.” 

“There I was eating my poor man’s lunch, two pieces of bread with nothing in between, when it happened.”  

Tubby’s humor is always self-deprecating.  Everyone knows that he doesn’t believe it, but it’s his way of “bitchin” without complaining.

After we had our family picture taken, I stood at the counter with Donna and Tubby while paying.  Tubby looked at the invoice and grabbed the cup holding pens from the office manager’s desk.  Dumping her pens all over the desk, he held the cup up and told the startled lady,

“I need this to see if I can go out front and get some change off of people to pay for this.” 

With his bib overalls, a farmer's cap, and a deadpan expression, the lady wasn’t sure if he was serious or not.  Donna and I ignored him. Tubby always did stuff like that. 

Mom was the same way in public.  Taking Mom to Pamida one Sunday afternoon to shop, she stopped inside the front door and looked at the lines at the nearby cashiers.

 “What's this shit? She announced loud enough for everyone in the store to hear, “Is it take an ugly old woman to town day?”

“Yes, Mom, that’s why I brought you in.”  I was used to Mom’s announcements in public by that time.

“And they call you the smart one.”  Tubby makes this announcement after he does a long speech about all the stupid things I have done since childhood.  These things include standing on a manure pile, getting splattered while watching the barn cleaner chute to see which slats on the chain were broken.

“And you would have told Dad no?” I always reply.  Later, I could add, “And have I had to pull a tractor since then?”

Donna:

“Fake it until you make it.”   Donna’s advice to me whenever I am ambivalent about a situation. I am proud that she has so much faith in my ability to fake my way through life until I learn what I am doing.  Seriously, though, this is her way of telling me to put on a smile, stand with my shoulders back and chest out, and get through whatever unpleasantness I am facing.  A version of Dad’s “This too will pass.”   

“You will always be the baby, and Tubby I are just stuck with you.”  We may not agree on everything, or even like each other at the moment, but we always have each other’s backs.  Or a reminder of how spoiled I was as a baby, and that now she and Tubby have to live with the consequences.

“If you don’t like the ride, don’t get on the bus.”   Am I being miserable and upset because I keep putting myself in situations or relationships that are dysfunctional?  It’s a reminder that no one can “make” me feel in any way, that I allow myself to react, and I am responsible for my own reactions.

“And you’re the smart one.”  See above comments from Tubby.  If he isn’t narrating my life story of mistakes and stupid choices, Donna will fill the gap.  Whichever one of them it is, it inevitably ends with me supposedly being “the smart one.”  I am not sure how I got chosen to be the “smart one,” but it is used against me at every family gathering.

“What the hell kind of counselor are you?”  Frequently used when she asks for my advice or opinion and doesn’t like the answer.  I haven’t worked as a counselor in over 25 years, but she still refers to me as “the counselor”. 

When she makes this comment, I reply, “You get what you pay for.”

“You learned a lesson. Education is expensive.”  I frequently heard this from her after my divorce as I struggled to get back on my feet financially.  It put my sadness, frustration, and anger into a different perspective. It sounds dismissive as you read it, but during the roughest times of my life, Donna has stood by my side, supporting me all the way.  After all, I am the Baby, and she and Tubby are stuck with me.